


Past Memories Are Today's Actions

by AlexNow



Category: Fall Out Boy, Panic! at the Disco, Paramore, Tonight Alive, Twenty One Pilots
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - High School, Dreams, Everything and Anything, F/M, Friends to Enemies, Hayley is rad, I just had to add them in, I love those two, Losing friends, Nightmares, No but Tyler and Josh though, Taylor can be an asshole, sort of
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-06-01
Updated: 2015-07-07
Packaged: 2018-04-02 10:13:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 6,981
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4056199
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AlexNow/pseuds/AlexNow
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p><span class="small">“You dyed your hair orange?” He asked between laughs and Hayley frowned, crossing her arms across her chest and furrowing her eyebrows as she cocked her hip.</span><br/><span class="small">“You look fucking weird.” Jeremy added not very helpfully.</span><br/>-<br/><span class="small">AU where Hayley seems to have a lot of imagination and she regrets ever regretting.</span></p><p>
  <b>-ON HIATUS-</b>
</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I took some stuff from bands' music videos so if you see something familiar (+cough+Twenty One Pilots+cough+), then you know why.  
> Also, this was written specially for my great friend, Annie :DD I hope you enjoy it.  
> -Alex  
> By the way I added those photos at the beginning for all of you to have sort of an idea of the main characters era then and now, and get in the scene. Badly made, I know. Deal with it.

 

The moment Hayley strutted into the room with a wave of confidence she had never felt as strong as that moment (as her shoulders pushed back and she arched her back to express her poise) Jeremy burst into laughter.

“You dyed your hair orange?” He asked between laughs and Hayley frowned, crossing her arms across her chest and furrowing her eyebrows as she cocked her hip.

“You look fucking weird.” Jeremy added not very helpfully.

Hayley did not look very pleased with his input and threw herself on her couch at the end of the room next to Taylor who was busy on his phone, hadn’t even looked up. He did decide to set his phone aside, though, when Hayley threw her legs onto his lap and held the remote control to turn on the television above her bed (where, may she add, Jeremy is still laughing, hissing nonsense jokes of her hair ‘on fire’).

“Actually, her hair doesn’t look weird,” Taylor says, and Hayley turns to him to give his a smile, appreciating his support he always gives her as his gaze is transfixed on her face, but then he adds, “She looks ridiculous, actually.” And Hayley then proceeds to grab a pillow and begin attacking him.

In the background, Jeremy is gasping for air and SpongeBob is crying.

 

 

 

-

 

 

 

Thankfully, Pete and Patrick are much more reassuring on her new look that took her _ages_ to get her parents to agree on and, on top of that, pay for. When she arrives to the town park the next day the two friends are already there and Jeremy is exaggeratedly telling them something about how ‘I swear to god, guys. I thought she was a walking poppy’ but then Patrick turns around at the sound of approaching steps and he gives her a bright smile.

“I think she looks lovely.” He says, and Hayley’s cheeks tinge pink because so far it’s been the first time she’s heard that since she decided after finally getting her braces off after three years and it was time to leave the fluffy brown hair and old shirts behind.

“Thanks.” She mutters, and quickly takes a seat on the grass in front of Pete and Jeremy. There Pete shoots her a wide grin and a wink before reminding her she has always been hot, and that her hair only gives her an edge of _sexy._ At this Hayley just grabs a handful of grass and throws it into Jeremy’s mouth as he snorts and opens his mouth to give his unnecessary input.

As he sputters, Patrick sits beside Pete and from behind her Hayley hears a voice say, “She still looks stupid, if you ask me. I mean, what is it with her tiny shorts? It leaves nothing in mystery. It’s as if she _wants_ guys to see her as a sex object.”

Hayley’s head snaps around and there she sees her best friend lying on the grass as he holds his phone above his face, seeing to be scrolling through something. She eyes narrow on his form and, naturally, her jaw sets. From behind her Jeremy has stopped laughing.

“Well, it’s a good fucking idea I never asked, huh?” She snaps and Taylor’s finger previously scrolling, stops and he finally looks at her, his neck bending to look her way and his face lacking expression whatsoever.

“Dude, what the fuck?” Jeremy utters, seeming surprised.

“Yeah, what the fuck is your problem?” Pete seems annoyed.

Meanwhile, Hayley is getting on her feet and walking towards him as he follows with his eyes until he’s squinting to be able to look at her face from his spot on the floor, the sun blinding him.

“I’m just saying what no one wants to.”

Hayley’s face flushes red in embarrassment as she stands before him, wondering as she stands in front of him with her shorts on, if that’s really what everyone is thinking but no one is saying. Wondering whether everyone truly thinks she’s trying too hard to be different. She ignores the tears she holds back at the back of her eyes.

“Hey, Taylor,” Patrick voice is soft, as always, as if trying to make a child understand something fairly simple, “Drop it. You know it gives her the confidence she’s never felt before.”

“She looks like a slut.” He responds without missing a beat, and after that Hayley doesn’t remember much. All she sees now that her eyes aren’t glazed anymore is Taylor on his knees clutching his eye as his lip splits.

“Fucking asshole! What the hell is wrong with you?” Jeremy shouts, and the only reason he hasn’t jumped Taylor again is because Pete is holding him back with a hard stare, as if he really just wants to let Jeremy go and do what he wants. Hayley hears none of it as a loud shrill pops her ears, not believing what is happening.

“She _asked_ for it,” Taylor spits out, standing up and not taking his hand off his injured eyes.

“She didn’t fucking ask for anything! Especially not from you, you dick!” Jeremy yells, and he pulls at her sleeve, away from him if not a bit too harsh as she stumbles mindlessly to where he pulls. As she falls against his chest he wraps his arms around her waist, skin touching skin as Taylor’s eye narrows on her crop top, her own eyes still unfocused on the grass below them. She suddenly coughs, and Patrick is the only one to notice that it sounds vaguely like a sob.

“Alright, both of you, you need to _stop_. Hayley doesn’t need this,” He turns to Taylor then, and his face explains no particular emotion as he says, “Taylor, I think it’d be best if you stay away from Hayley for a while.”

“Better yet,” Jeremy supplies, but Pete cuts him as he adds,

“Talk to her again when you’re fucking dead, asshole.”

He doesn’t seem to be joking.

They leave him behind, and Hayley stumbles over mindless things as her friends lead her away when all she wants to do is walk towards her best friend who watches them leave with an absent expression.

 

 

 

-

 

 

 

_“I was wondering, you know,” Hayley says one day as they walk through the school hallways, “Whether when I get my braces off I should, I don’t know… change?”_

_Taylor’s eyebrows furrow, “What do you mean?”_

_Hayley shrugs and looks ahead, her cheeks suddenly coloring as she holds back what she wants to say, replaying her choice of words in her head and realizing they sound absurd. It’s her **best friend,** though, and she knows she could always count of him._

_“Change… physically. Now because I find it necessary but I’m sort of sick of receiving insults over how I dress and how I look. It’ll be fun, yeah?” She grins cheekily at him and his confused frown slowly morphs into a smile, enjoying what she’s thinking._

_“Like those cheesy 90s high school movies?” He asks._

_“Exactly.”_

_There’s a comfortable silence as they walk to the cafeteria and not long later Jeremy joins them in silence, seeming stressed about school as he always is. By the time they’ve entered the cafeteria and are in line waiting for their turn, Taylor still hasn’t said anything. Jeremy has already found someone to talk to in line when he notices Taylor and Hayley aren’t providing any source of entertainment._

_“Do it.” He says._

_“What?”_

_“If it makes you happy, go ahead.” That’s all she needed._

_But Taylor didn’t expect what he saw the next day after her braces were off._

-

 

 

 

“Explain again what happened?” He asks, shoving more pizza into his mouth. Pete rolls his eyes exaggeratedly and grabs popcorn of his own, ignoring the indignant cry Brendon gives at such action.

“He’s a fucking _asshole,_ in conclusion. Why the fuck is he slut shaming her? What did she ever do to him?”

Everyone thinks she’s asleep. Really, though, she’s too tired to move and even too tired to cry.

“Harsh. Of him, I mean.”

“No fucking _kidding._ How the fuck is someone supposed to tell their best friend that without joking? I mean, do you see _me_ insulting Patrick? Huh?”

Patrick’s voice says, “You do it all the time, actually.”

”I don’t _mean_ it!”

“Neither did Taylor.”

“Patrick, what the fuck?” Pete exclaims, and for once in his lifetime he seems angry at the blonde boy, and though Hayley can’t see it she’s sure he’s staring at him with a certain flare in his eyes. She hates knowing it’s all her fault. It was stupid of her to think she would make things easier for her friends by doing this. Maybe she could convince her parents, after wasting so much money on her just a few days ago, to pay to have her hair dyed brown again.

She hears her friends agreeing on not letting Hayley forgive him easily as she always does, and even hears Jenna agree, and for once Hayley does too.

 

 

 

-

 

 

 

**Three Years Later.**

“Happy birthday, you fucking bitch!”

Hayley is overly aware that she has frosting in her hair. Well, frosting and lumps that she’s fairly sure are chocolate chips. There are bits of cake on her face and up her nose, and she opens her mouth to breathe from there so she doesn’t accidentally snort her cake. She should he yelling, maybe even glaring at everyone who planned this, but all she can think of doing is laugh. That is what she seems to not be able to stop doing, and oh is she laughing.

“Thank you fucking bastards, for this awful party.” She says over the whoops of encouragement, and somewhere between the blurs her eyes allow her to see she’s pretty sure she can see Patrick awkwardly bumping into people as they push pass him to get to see Hayley closer. Pete, bless his dark soul, appears out of nowhere, though, and grabs his elbow to pull him along closer too. He’s been crushing on Patrick for _ages,_ she believes, and after about five years of him wanting to date Patrick he hasn’t done anything. Hayley thinks he’s ridiculous.

And because she’s drunk, she says, “Pete, you’re fucking ridiculous, you know that?”

From far, far away Pete seems to hear this and even though there’s no way he could know what she’s talking about he flashes his middle finger in the air, high enough for her to see as he has such a tiny form.

“Get laid!” He shouts back. Hayley, because there’s people shoving her all around yelling their fucked-up birthday wishes and congratulating her, barely gets to reply.

“About to!” Just as an arm wraps around her waist and she dips her head back to lie against the figure’s chest. She feels lips press against her forehead and she briefly lets her eyes flutter close before opening again to stare into glistening green eyes, full of pride.

She’s happy, she knows. She had come to accept this long ago when she realized her friends weren’t going anywhere. The fact that her high school friends had all come back to her hometown from college (if not to celebrate Christmas with their families) to celebrate her birthday meant the world to her.

She had gotten to see friends she didn’t know she needed anymore, just barely got to feel her heart well up with their presence, to feel full of affection she thought she had already had. It makes her really fucking happy, and with alcohol in her system, ecstatic even. So ecstatic, even, that she’d turn around in her boyfriend’s arms and blow him in front of everyone right now, on her birthday.

In fact, she will.

“Whoa, hold on there, babe,” Joel laugh as she stumbles with her fingers, trying to undo his belt, and he sets his hands on hers to halt her moves, “You’re _way_ too drunk. I think that’s enough for the day.” He doesn’t mention how her bright hair is a mess with who knows how many things in it (though Hayley is too drunk to smell it, he thinks he smells beer somewhere around there too), but his eyes linger.

Hayley groans and stands up straight, plaster herself on his chest and begins trying to bite his nipple even though he has a thick jacket on. Joel raises an eyebrow, “Or for the year.” He adds. Just then Hayley is in the air and suddenly staring at someone’s bottom, a very nice one at that. She realizes she is on someone’s shoulder and pats the person’s bottom lightly.

“You have a very nice butt.” She says, and from beside her she can hear Joel snort.

“Thank you, Hay, _really,_ but I’d very much appreciate it if you stopped staring at it and just tried to go to sleep as I got you home. That’s enough partying for tonight.” Jeremy says.

Joel replies, “Exactly what I was telling her.” Traitor.

Jeremy grins, she’s sure, because he loves Joel and thinks it’s the best guy she could ever date. Hayley thinks he’s exaggerating but goes along with it. She trusts Joel too, so why not?

“Okay.” She replies, and yells a goodbye only a handful of people are close enough to hear. She notices Jack’s close enough to hear too, but he only separates himself from Alex’s lips long enough to shoot her a grin and a wave, only to have Alex’s hand pull him close again.

Despite seeing that one band she once talked to (the one who apparently got their record deal recently or something…?) eat some weed brownies she knew were for her and now she’ll never get to try (she thinks the band’s name is called ‘Stab The Veil’ or something like that), she realizes she really loves life.

 

 

 

-

 

 

 

Except maybe the feeling isn’t mutual because it was the morning later that she wakes up in her bed to find her curtains pulled open, allowing sunlight to seep in and therefore her eyes to burn, and holy fuck they’re _burning._ It’s true she doesn’t feel as bad as she normally does when she drinks (she actually wants to remember her birthday, thank you) but that doesn’t mean she isn’t seconds away from vomiting. She groans and squeezes them tight as she tries to get up to close them, but her legs are weak and her legs decide to deceive her as she twist and she falls to the ground.

_“Hayley? Are you alright?”_ From downstairs her mother sounds concerned, and even though Hayley appreciates the gesture, she’s twenty now and doesn’t need her to care for her and _she just really wants quiet._ She lies on the ground for a while, her cheek pressed on the cold tiles and making her feel if not a bit better, and she closes her eyes. She’s fine. Just a bit dizzy.

In that moment her phone rings, and why last night she decided to set it on full volume, she has no idea. She quickly navigates towards it, her eyes still shut tight and crawling on the floor and more than one time she slams her head into things. When she _does_ get it, she responds and is not very happy.

Into the phone she says, “Whoever the fuck you are, why did you fucking think it’s be a good idea to call me the morning after my birthday when you’d _probably_ know I’d be nursing a hangover? Fuck off.” She’d sound angrier if she could but her voice is rough and _stings._ But then her phone rings again and she realizes that trying to accept a call on a touch screen phone with her eyes closed isn’t a good idea and she never really did reply so she squints and presses where she can vaguely see green.

Her throat still is dry so she just mumbles, “Hmfg.”

_“Happy late birthday.”_ The voice says.

“Thanks,” She croaks, “Had a rad day yesterday.”

_“That’s great to hear. What’d you do?”_

“Oh, you know. Just the usual. Came home from Uni and spent a couple day with my friends. They surprised me yesterday with a party,” Her throat feels like someone just clawed itself out of it and so _why is she talking,_ “Got drunk, had fun and haven’t gotten my cake out of my hair.” She grimaces at this and watches as a stiff strand of orange hair falls onto her face, vaguely purple with frosting.

There’s a small chuckle from the other side of the line and then the voice says, _“Cool, I’m glad you had fun.”_ There’s a pause, “ _Bye, I guess.”_

“Bye,” She replies instantly, and pushes her hair back, then she pauses, “Wait, who is this?”

The dial tone responds to her and she blinks before pulling her phone back to see the person had hung up on her. As she forces herself to look through her last received calls to check who it was (her father’s on a business trip but since when does he sound so _young_ ) she looks through to see what it was she talked to a few minutes ago. When she sees the name of the person she hasn’t talked to in three years, she runs up and barely makes it to the toilet before she pukes.

 

 

 

-

 

 

 

_Taylor York._

 

 

 

-

 

 

 

Jeremy isn’t going to take the call very nicely, Hayley knows, and his is why she doesn’t tell him. It isn’t that she doesn’t trust him, not at all. It’s simply the fact that she thinks it’d be better if it were out of his knowledge.

Too bad he knows her too well.

“What is it?” He asks that day, when they meet up at the park they always used to as teenagers and yeah, _bad timing._ This is where everything went to shit in the first place. Only it’s only them two this time, and not them with Pete and Patrick. The other two are probably exploring the city.

“What is what?” She replies, and raises her eyebrows at him. She shoots him a grin and he rolls his eyes, looks up at the sky before idly playing with the grass under them. Hayley wonders whether the tall grass, uncared for, is the same one they sat on all those years ago when it was still barely growing.

“Sorry, I just thought that you’d tell me if I told you I know something’s wrong.” He replies offhandedly, and Hayley knows he’s not sorry. Reverse phycology, he’d know about it. He’s studying to be a shrink, after all. Just like he knows her, she knows him.

“Yeah, well, nothing’s wrong.” She replies, and leaves it at that.

She thinks she’s won when he doesn’t reply and they change topic, but the next day, when they’re all sat under that same tree, along with the new addition to their group of friends (those who wouldn’t be able to make it to their own homes for that holiday and had been invited to tag along to Hayley’s hometown), and while Joel blows on Hayley’s nose playfully and watches her face scrunch up, Pete breaks the comfortable silence they had been in for a while. They are all too tired to speak and were slowly drift to sleep there, under the shade of the tree and all lying on someone else’s stomach.

“So, Jenna called.” Pete says, and Brendon’s grin is literally heard by everyone. Jenna hadn’t been able to make it back this winter vacation and everyone Brendon knows understands his infatuation towards her since the fifth grade (even a very annoyed Ryan but that’s another story).

“Cool! What’d she say?” He asks, “Is she coming?”

“No.” Pete’s voice is unusually grave as his hair is patted by Patrick, which is even odder.

“What is it?” Tyler finally says from where he’s sitting, pausing as he tries his best to build a fort with only leaves and sticks, Josh collecting them for him.

“Taylor’s coming back in a few days for New Year’s.”

Not everyone knows who he is, but for those who do, they all have several different reactions, which isn’t all that surprising considering their diverse personalities. All in all, Brendon’s mouth drops open, Patrick’s hand stills his moves and Jeremy’s hand clenches hard enough to become white all while Hayley simply stands up and walks away.

 

 

 

-

 

 

 

Hayley’s holed up in Jeremy’s room and downstairs she can hear her best friend yelling at Pete, who is responding back just as angrily. She feels seventeen again, when it was them two always looking after her; when she didn’t know how to look after herself. In a few words, she feels like a child trying to hold back tears as she hears her parents screaming at each other in the kitchen.

It’s a good thing she isn’t almost crying because of their current fight obviously going on downstairs, but because of what is bound to happen on New Year’s Eve. All she wants to do to _leave,_ but she knows that if she tries to Jeremy and Pete will stop her and there is no possible way she can walk out the front door without them noticing.

She lost the fight with herself, in the end, and tears run down her cheeks. It’s no use trying to hold them back now, but as their words ring through the empty house except for the three of them (“You could have at least have me talk to him first, Peter! She doesn’t need this!”), she can’t help but want to be anywhere but here.

Her pleas receive a reply just then, when she hears a clear knock on the bedroom window, which is already odd enough considering the room is on the third floor and there are no trees close enough to climb to reach it.

When she walks over to the window, her eyes blemished red, she throws it open and sees her salvation in the form of Tyler Joseph. He pretends not to notice her tear-stricken face and grins before saying, “Hey, so I heard you’re being kept captive in this damned castle. Thought I’d come to save you.”

Then there’s a vague whisper-shout from below them and Hayley shoots her head out to see Josh trying his best to keep the ladder Tyler’s standing on stable.

“Hey, she’s not Rapunzel and you’re not Flynn, remember? Hurry up, dude!” Tyler laughs and smiles at her before doing just that, beginning to climb down and Hayley follows him without a second thought.

Fifteen minutes later Hayley finds herself outside the town’s library sitting on the sidewalk with Tyler and Josh on either side of her, the three of them sipping on some Caprison pouches of fruit punch in silence. That is, until Tyler decides it’s better to talk about the matter instead of ignoring it.

“So… Taylor.” He says, and Hayley knows he’s asking. She swallows once, twice, and it’s no longer the juice but the lumps in her throat.

“Yeah.” She says, doesn’t repeat his name because it’s not one she has said in the last three years, hasn’t even met a Taylor in the last years.

“Not something worth talking if the topic hurts you.” Josh says from her other side, and even though Hayley is staring at the street before her she knows Josh is glaring at Tyler. She unclearly sees Tyler shrug from the corner of her eye.

“Just thought it’d be better to talk about it.” He mumbles, and Hayley nods, turns to both her sides slowly.

“Yeah, it’s cool. I’ll talk about it.” She whispers. They don’t respond.

“He was just—a friend,” She continues and tries not to sense anything around herself. She almost feels better when she notices they’re staring ahead of themselves too, and not pressuring her with their gaze, “My best friend besides Jeremy, ever since preschool. Things went downhill when I changed my—well, my appearance. He said a couple things and had guys give me shit about it at school so he didn’t have to do it personally.” She pauses, and she almost believes they left her alone until she hears Josh sucking on his straw as he stared attentively at her.

_Slut! Attention-seeking whore! So desperate to get fucked, huh?_

The fact that Taylor had people saying those things to her throughout the remaining year of high school made it difficult to keep walking towards the future and concentrate on good grades to go away for University, especially when the only people she had were Jeremy, Pete, Patrick, Jenna and Brendon, but yet she will forever be grateful that they always have been her friends. She doesn’t think she would have been able to go through that alone.

Especially when others began to have fun calling her those hurtful things, and not too long later it turned from an offhanded insult given her way to her actual name.

“When I went off to University it was weird to have people call me by my actual name instead of whore.” She doesn’t say this with an inch of sadness in her voice, and this is what makes the other two stay in silence.

“And you’re going to have to see him?” Josh asks.

“And you’re going to have to _talk_ to him?” Tyler assumes with an air of hysteria.

“I already did.” She responds.

They don't reply anymore and the two move to stare ahead again at the exact moment. Wordlessly, Tyler passes her another pouch of Caprison.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Short, I know. I'm sorry.  
> -Alex

The real reason why Hayley doesn’t want to get out of bed is because Jeremy is acting like a downright douchebag. She tells him this, but he doesn’t believe her for which it makes him even more of a douche. Pete knows this as well, only by trying to convince Jeremy he’s acting like a douche himself.

“I’m fucking _fine,_ ” Hayley groans, scoops up another spoonful of macaroni and cheese, “I just want to eat, alright? Stop being such an asshole, Jeremy.” She rolls her eyes, ignores how Jeremy’s eyes bug out in a way that under any other circumstances would have Hayley laughing.

“ _Asshole?_ ” He honestly seems offended, “I’m not being an _asshole,_ Hayley. I’m just—”

“Yeah… you sort of are.” Tyler says this slowly from his place in the corner of the room, backs away with his back against the wall at the glare Jeremy throws at him and his wide eyes blink once, twice. Hayley sticks her nose in the air.

“Two against one,” Hayley says, “Now let me eat my cheesy pasta in peace.”

“Three against one.” Pete says, returning the glower from Jeremy.

“Four.” Josh says as he takes his place next to Tyler, who had started rolling into himself in defeat until Josh threw an arm around is shoulders. Hayley’s small room can’t hold that many people and how did they get in so easily? Questions with no answers. Like the answer as to why Jeremy is a massive dick.

“Alright kids, _fine._ ” Jeremy says loudly. Hayley smiles around her spoon.

When everyone starts filing out in satisfaction Jeremy leans over to Hayley, seems utterly concerned as he says, “Just be careful. Remember we’re talking about the guy who punched a guy who called you fat in the second grade only to bully you for three years in high school, enough to land you in the hospital.” Images of Hayley slitting her wrist rest in her mind and she swallows, holds back any despair.

She is surprised when her voice appears steady when she responds.

“Yeah. Got it.”

 

 

 

-

 

 

 

“So, it’s a person that’s not real but everyone knows and isn’t a cartoon?” Brendon asks once more, head still leaning on Patrick’s shoulder as the latter reaches to tentatively push Pete’s hand to one side in attempt to grab some popcorn from the bowl (for which of course Pete does as instructed, even pulls the bowl nearer to him).

“Yeah.” Joel says, smiling at Brendon’s face expressing utter despair as Hayley does her best to braid his hair.

“I don’t understand.”

“Is he old?” Jeremy asks. Joel pauses.

“Uh, no?”

“You don’t sound too sure.” Tyler narrows his eyes, as if inspecting whether Joel is lying even though there’s no reason for that to happen.

“I’m not.” Joel responds.

“How are we supposed to guess the character you’re thinking if, Joe-el,” Brendon snaps, “When you keep giving ‘I don’t know’s as answers!” Joel rolls his eyes.

“This is the first time, Brendon.”

“Liar.”

Joel is not amused, rather knows Brendon far too well to know where this is going, “Loser.”

“Idiot.”

“Clinger.”

“Take that back!” Brendon gasps.

“I bet Ryan Ross would like to hear how—”

“New Year’s Eve is tomorrow.” Leave it to Pete to kill the mood. A couple people turn to him, while Josh is too busy trying to build a maze with a box of dominoes he found lying around, refusing to look up and see the expressions of each one of them.

Jeremy finally sighs, doesn’t seem to want to murder every person by the name of Taylor anymore. Hayley doesn’t know whether she’s thankful for the lack of more drama, or concerned Jeremy has given up on trying to set things straight.

“Yeah.” He says.

No one says a thing for the longest moment, more than half of them still not understanding what the problem with it is. A new year, new mistakes and a reason for lots of alcohol including time to nurse a hangover. What’s not to love?

“Babe,” Joel turns around to face Hayley, whose hands are still hovering in the air (sadly, she feels no desire to laugh at his multiple braids when he says the next words), “Are you alright? Do you want to return to Uni early?” He has no idea what’s going on yet—

“No. I’m fine.” She grins at him and startles when she feels someone push at her shoulder. She laughs when she realizes it was Josh, pushes him back and is glad that they gave the opportunity to change subject and that’s all it takes for a wrestling match to ensue.

Until, of course, the actual New Year’s party.

She spends less time than she usually does getting prepared, which is really just an hour, maybe less. Most of the time she spends sitting on her bed trying to forget the fact that her high school tormentor would be attending the party, looking to apologize years late no less.

Placing a kiss on her forehead, for which Hayley playfully bats him away, Jeremy says, “Be careful, H.”

Arriving at the destination, an old neighbor’s house back when she was still in middle school, Jeremy looks utterly distressed. Hayley knows the feeling, and she tries her best to stop him from worrying. He’s done that enough for most of her life. She knows he needs a break.

“I know.” Neither mention the way Jeremy slowly traces the scars on her wrist with delicacy.

Two hours into the party, Hayley feels a tap on her shoulder. Tensing before turning around she hears a soft voice, laced with fear but a hint of hope, “Hayley?” Taylor asks.

 

 

 

-

 

 

 

Hayley gasps as she sits up in bed, cranes her neck around to look around her only to notice her room exactly as it had been before. Her posters still look new, her guitar is set in a corner and she glances at her clock only to notice she had seven minutes to spare before it started beeping insistently.

_on ur way??_

Her phone lights up with the text and she purses her lips nervously as she opens the text from Jeremy, closing her phone before carefully getting up and ready for a shower. As she moves to undress herself on the way, she makes sure avoid contact with the mirror in her bedroom and bathroom. She feels as if her bright orange hair is taunting her.

_Yeah_

She responds to the text only when she’s fresh and clean, a towel curled up around her head as she swallows her pooling saliva in her mouth at the set of clothes she had set up for the day. Clothes she had never found very appealing before. The fact that she literally had to shave her legs for the shorts she had been a bit (admittedly) excited her now seem too mocking, as her crop top. She wants to bury out her loose jeans and ragged Foo Fighters shirt out from the back of her drawer, hide the person she was so ready to expose to the world.

Feeling a large ball of anticipation and apprehension at the back of her throat, she slowly moves towards it. She feels the edges of her strangely realistic dream at the back of her head, threatening to escape. She doesn’t remember the details of her nightmare, but the fact that it was far more unpleasant than the average teenage blood-filled nightmares.

_Actually, her hair doesn’t look weird. She looks ridiculous, actually._

She doesn’t even look in the mirror as she prepares herself, can’t stand the sight of her reflection.

It was all a terrible dream, is what she reminds herself. Sticks and stones, sticks and stones. It’s a mantra in her head. The words in her head said in Taylor’s voice don’t stop her breath from shortening, especially now that’s she’s pedaling on her bicycle furiously as she makes her way to Jeremy’s house. When she arrives, it’s all the same.

When she arrives to Jeremy’s room, it’s all the same as well. She feels tears well up at the back of her eyes but fights them back. Jeremy is still lying on his bed, in the exact position as in her dream, and Taylor is still on his phone. When Hayley tries to make more noise at her arrival than usual, he still doesn’t look up.

When Jeremy sees her enter the room, he still bursts into laughter when he sees her recently bleached and dyed bright orange hair. Hayley holds her breath to try and make emotions hold back. She doesn’t need to burst into tears.

“You dyed your hair orange?” Jeremy has trouble asking as he laughs and doesn’t notice as she bites her bottom lip hard enough to break skin, “You look fucking weird.”

Still breathing fast, she knows this is her cue to sit beside Taylor, who is still texting someone one his phone. This is the part where Taylor begins insulting her, she recalls. This is the day it starts. She can handle it, she believes. It happened once, reality or not. She can handle it again, and better.

Carefully, she tries to lower her heart rate and swallows consistently in order to talk loud and clear when it’s necessary. She’s slow and precise, cautious as she walks to the couch and doesn’t throw her legs over his feet like she did before. She just sits, the remote control now in her hand but she doesn’t move to turn on the television. At the prolonging silence (besides Jeremy’s laughter), Taylor looks up, confused. Jeremy is still hissing out Katniss Everdeen jokes from behind them (‘seriously, though. Your hair would have been _perfect_ ’).

“Actually, her hair doesn’t look weird,” Taylor says, and he looks surprised when he catches eye at her hair and her attire. She clenches her jaw ( _don’t cry, you already know what happens next. It’s all for the better_ ). Taylor smiles, “She looks beautiful.”

There’s a pause, and then Jeremy starts mocking Taylor’s words, telling him there’s no need for him to lie and Taylor just rolls his eyes at him and scowls. Hayley doesn’t think she’s every wanted to cry with happiness in her life as much as that same moment. Instead she laughs along, throws Jeremy a pillow and plants a wet kiss on Taylor’s cheek just because she can. Taylor seems to freeze, not expecting it because it’s never happened before but Hayley couldn’t care less, doesn’t notice the slight blush on Taylor’s cheeks, coloring them gradually.

She still has her best friend.

Uncertainly, she pauses in her movements, her smile slowly slipping off her face. Clearly and loudly, she asks, “Do you think Pete and Patrick would like it?”

“Who?” Jeremy asks, faltering in his playful insults. Hayley doesn’t respond for a while.

“The kids from our school, our grade.” She says. Jeremy snorts and raises an eyebrow at her, bemused.

“You mean Pete the emo and Patrick the band freak? What are you taking to that lot for? I didn’t know you even had friends beside us.” His tone of voice is playful, but inquiring. Taylor seems curious now too.

“Why do you ask whether they’d like it?” He remarks, waits. Hayley shrugs far too slowly to be considered idle.

“They… just seem to be nice people to talk to.” She says lamely. Taylor and Jeremy both snort, mutter something about not talking to losers and together they taunt their choice of clothes.

“Pete Wentz, the wannabe emo guy from MySpace.” Taylor says, taking the opportunity to take shit about other people as they always do, good-humoredly and only between the three of them. Hayley knows they never mean it. She’s done it herself.

“Patrick whats-his-last-name, the nerd with the purple trumpet and only the school band to pay him any attention.” Jeremy inputs, sniggers from the other side of his room, his head still hanging from the bed.

“Actually,” Hayley knows even her voice sounds tense, “Pete is in a great metalcore band called Arma Angelus where he does vocals and bass. Patrick knows how to play five different instruments to perfection and writes his own music.”

Their laughter does down, both staring at her with a hint of bewilderment and confusion at her. She averts her gaze downwards and wonders whether keeping one friend was worth losing several others.

 

 

 

-

 

 

 

When Hayley’s alone she finds herself looking back at that terrible nightmare, the terrible things Taylor had told her just yesterday, what she was so sure would happen. She thinks of the terrible things she had to go through and the terrible life she was living just before University, where it all got better.

Hayley sometimes smiles while thinking about this, though, and Jeremy and Taylor have no idea why she zones out when she’s with them as well.

She smiles because she remembers that one time Pete made Patrick a surprise birthday party, making the other literally choke with his own words, remembers Pete’s terrified expression as he tries to get Patrick to breathe again. She remembers with a smile Patrick each and every one of them a thankful hug with his every so patient personality.

She remembers high school, just after she had begun to lose Taylor, how she was tripped at school by a guy who was too much of an asshole to even be called a jock. The insults she received while on the ground, silently crying as everyone yelled slurs at her while Jeremy was in class, only to have a blonde girl suddenly appear by her side and scare them all away with empty threats.

 _“Hey, my name’s Jenna.”_ She had said with a bright smile, and she helped Hayley up, wiped her tears and had them sneak out to go get ice cream.

“Do you guys know Jenna?” Hayley suddenly says as they sit in the park, under their usual tree. Jeremy seems caught off guard, blinks. Taylor’s asleep aside of them. A perfect way to spend a Saturday afternoon before dealing with school on Monday, the insults and nicknames that will come her way awaiting her no doubt.

“Jenna who? There’s about seven Jennas in just my homeroom, H.”

“Right,” Hayley says, distant, “Jenna McDougall. Do you know her?” Jeremy nods, slowly and watching her as she sighs, frowning, continues, “She’s in my English class.”

“How is she?” Hayley asks.

“Fine, from what I see. Doesn’t talk much to anyone but her skater… friends or whatever. She seems like the type to smoke weed and say ‘rad’ a lot.”

“You know her?” He asks. Hayley shrugs once more.

“She’s nice.”

Jeremy stares, “Look, Hayley, forgive me in advance for my bluntness but I’m ninety nine percent sure you’ve never spoken a word to Jenna in your life,” Pause, “Have you?”

Hayley hesitates, “No. I don’t think I have.”

On Monday it goes as planned. Jeremy and Taylor didn’t know this of course, and are utterly defensive of her when people start whispering.

This time Taylor isn’t the one provoking reactions out of her peers so it’s bound to be easier to deal with, but it’s difficult nonetheless. The cheerleading squad still smirk at her and throw hurtful words her way (“You’re one to talk, carrot face.” Jeremy had said offhandedly as they passed through), and Hayley still winces at them. She’s heard them all before, she reminds herself. Yet it was all a dream, never happened. She still lived through it, though.

She’s still whistled at by the school athletes in a mocking way through the hallways, and she still tries to keep her head high. She can’t help but watch helplessly though, as Patrick stumbles into Pete in the hallways, causing Pete to glare at him and hiss a threat under his breath. All Hayley thinks as she sees Patrick nods quickly and walk away with wide eyes is, _this is not how everything is supposed to go._

Taylor spreads his hand on her back and leads her forward, doesn’t let her stop in the middle of the hallways and shoots anyone who glances at her a meaningful glare.

She does as told and keeps on walking, keeps her eyes low as she sees Brendon Urie being pushed around by a Senior. It’s not her job to look after him anymore.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Why do they always come out sadder than intended.  
> -Alex  
> Anyway, I wrote this at four in the morning and posted it at five here where I live so I'm probably going to regret posting this chapter without revising it and editing to make it decent. I'll surely do both those later on and repost. Anyway, read and enjoy my suffering.

**Author's Note:**

> Would you care to give this poor, unemployed writer a kudo and/or comment?  
> -Alex


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